The Revan Journals
by vadess40
Summary: A story I made to bridge the gap between my Female Darth Revan from KOTOR, Serea Apostolia, and my character Serea Apostolia in SWTOR to replace the Revan novel, cause I didn't like it. Warning: FemRevan and Juhani pairing!
1. Chapter 1

Revan Journals Chapter- After the Battle of the Star Forge (ABSF) Entry 1, 1 week ABSF

These are the written journals of Revan, former Dark Lord of the Sith turned Prodigal Jedi Knight. The purpose of these written documents is for personal and medical reasons, as I do not know the extent to which my mind has been damaged. Yesterday and the day before, I have been seeing various doctors in order to further understand the damage I received when Malak fired on my ship on the fateful day I was captured by Bastila and her Jedi companions. The doctors told me, all the memories of my past life could come back immediately a whirl or I could forget everything I have become since I was enlisted into the Republic fleet. Furthermore, I should expect visions, like the ones I've been having since Taris to continue to happen sporadically.

Taris… on that planet I was just one more Republic soldier fighting against the Sith. Now I know that the identity on Taris was constructed by the Jedi council in order to keep the truth hidden from me: I am Revan, a Jedi Guardian within the Jedi order. Although I once tried to destroy the Republic, I rejected the offer of the dark side and refused to reclaim who I was before the Jedi captured me and rebuilt my mind.

The choice to reject the dark side resulted in Bastila Shan being redeemed from darkness, Malak and the Star Forge being destroyed, and everyone hailing me as a hero. I also learned that I had fallen in love and that my feelings were returned. Juhani and I talked aboard the Temple on the Unknown World and again on the Ebon Hawk after the victory celebration. The talks were long and short, painful and wonderful, and we both came to the conclusion that to deny our feelings and separate would be a mistake. I remember Juhani's words clearly, "Together, love, we are strong and we can face whatever the galaxy awaits us."

That conversation was the best thing that ever happened to me this week. Not only do I love someone and she loves me, but once again I proved Malak wrong. He said to me on the Star Forge, "Saviour, conqueror, hero villain: you are all things Revan, and yet you are nothing. In the end you belong neither to the light or the darkness. You will forever stand alone."

No Malak, only you will forever stand alone. Juhani, Carth, Bastila, Mission, Zaalbar, Jolee, Canderous, T3, HK-47, and I will always be friends and allies. Not only will I always have them to rely on, but I will never stand alone.

Entry 2, 2.5 weeks ABSF

Just got back from a mission to take down an apparently last minute attempt by the remnants of the Sith to regain what they lost after the Star Forge was destroyed. Thankfully, they were stopped. Bastila, Juhani, and I boarded the ship in order to capture the ship's commander. Naturally, most of the personnel were shocked to find out that Revan is alive. Can't say I blame them, as I was shocked to find out she was alive! Thankfully, this realization caused many of them to step aside and allow the three of us to pass without much of a fuss.

On the upper decks we met quite a bit of opposition until we got to the bridge. On the bridge was an old woman surrounded by personnel. When she saw me she shouted, "Don't harm her! Don't harm her!"

I turned to look at her and said, "Very well. I place under arrest by the Jedi Order. You will all be escorted to the Harbinger and taken to Coruscant."

The old woman nodded, and they all left without question. She turned to look at me and said, "You are Darth Revan, are you not?"

I replied, "I no longer go by that designation. I am the Jedi Knight, Serea Starz and you are under arrest. Not only do we not have conversations, but we will certainly not dive into a part of my life that has been open and closed."

As she was escorted out I received a vision. I'm used to receiving these visions now as they usually happen at random. However, this one was triggered after meeting that old woman. The only time a person has triggered a vision was when I first met Bastila. This forgotten memory was of a woman who was in the library of the old Dantooine enclave and it looked like she was about to teach me about the force. I think I was a young girl at the time for I was standing and looking up at her.

I'd like to think seeing her in and having a vision immediately after was just a coincidence but it wouldn't surprise me if the two are linked. Furthermore, she had the same expression that my old assassin, Shadow now Sera Degana, had when I first encountered her on the Orion. Hmmm… Oh well, as I said she is a part of a life that I no longer live. I have better things to do than dig up old ghosts.

Back on the Ebon Hawk, Juhani and I finally got some alone time! For the most part we have been open but discreet about our relationship. For the most part, Bastila hasn't said anything other than that she's happy for us. Come to think of it, the Jedi masters haven't as much as brought it up once. Sometimes I want to believe that they have better things to worry, but then I realize that if they were to expel us they would have not one but two redeemed fallen Jedi on the loose in the galaxy, one of whom was once Darth Revan.

Entry 3, 3 Weeks ABSF

Dantooine- A planet that was once my home now lies in ruin. I went to see what Malak and the Sith did to her today, and I barely had the strength to completely tour the planet. As much as I would like to believe that Malak and the Sith are the only reason why Dantooine is a place of desolation, I cannot deny my hand in this. I was the one who declared myself Dark Lord of the Sith and lead my old friend down the path of the dark side. These acts ultimately lead to the destruction of Telos, Taris, and Dantooine...

_**My Sorrow:**_

_A place of peace and healing_

_Is now a place of destruction and death_

_My once place of refuge is now the place of despair_

_How could such a terrible thing happen here?_

_It is because I fell to the darkness_

_I embraced countless droplets of power_

_Now my friends and allies have fallen to darkness... _

_Or they've fallen to battle_

_History will tell of Malak's attack_

_They'll blame him and the Sith for the Jedi Temple's fall_

_But that'll only cover the truth for so long_

_Eventually everyone will know that it was Revan that doomed all_

_Revan's fall marked Carth to lose his family and everything he knew_

_Revan's fall lead to Bastila Shan's descent into darkness_

_Revan's betrayal completed Malak's fall_

_And now Revan's fall has resulted in the end of Taris and Dantooine_

_Sigh, clearly I am still blind_

_This was not Revan's fall but mine_

_The Jedi are responsible for my memory loss_

_Because of them, the identity I'm trying to hold onto is false_

_No, I cannot blame the Jedi_

_They were not the ones who caused the light in me to die_

_No, it is only I who has caused this destruction and pain_

_No words can justify my mad quest for gain_

_I cannot deny who I was_

_I cannot deny the destruction I've caused_

_I cannot deny that I'm the cause of everyone's pain_

_I'm the source of the galaxy's sorrows_

Entry 3, 1 month ABSF

I got a message from Sera Degana today. It appears that she is doing well on the Orion with Mec Han'ic and Kobayashi. It is amazing to see how much she has changed since our encounter with her former Jedi Master, Solomon, in the Temple of Shadow on Korriban. It makes me happy to know that not all the Jedi who followed me to war became servants of the dark side forever. I only wish more could've been redeemed… I know that I'm the one who led them to darkness, but they had a part to play in their fall. After all, I never forced them to keep following me!

Sigh… That still doesn't change the fact that I was the one who started them on the path to darkness. From what I've read, my fall to the dark side started long before my first quest to find the Star Forge. I changed a lot during the Mandalorian Wars, and was no longer the Jedi Knight who went out on a noble crusade.

I formed the Revanchist as a faction within the Jedi Order who chose to disobey the council because we all felt that going to war and aiding the Republic was the right thing to do. Recently, I've had dreams of travelling to the places ravaged by the Mandalorians. I discussed the dream of my visit to Cathar with Juhani. She seemed proud that I chose to go to war in order to avenge her people and protect the innocents. She also asked what my thoughts of those years are now that I know the truth.

I told her that I don't know. Before encountering Malak on the Leviathan, I thought that Revan's decision to go to war was the biggest mistake she ever made. However, there is no pointing the finger at her now. Revan's past is my past and her bad choices were my bad choices. I cannot run or hide from, or explain away the truth any longer. I think I need to reconcile who I was with who I am now. If I want to move on as Serea Starz, I need to forgive and accept myself as Revan.

Sera just sent me a message. She wants to meet on Coruscant tomorrow and talk. I think I will meet with her… Perhaps she can help me through this reconciliation process by telling me about the Mandalorian Wars and helping me through my memories. For example, what happened at the Battle of Malachor V that rendered Sera unable to speak about it on the Ebon Hawk? What did I find in deep space that completed my fall to the dark side?

Entry 4, same night as entry 3 was written

I cannot believe that I am writing two journal entries in one night! Then again, I have never had such a vision haunt my dreams. I hope I didn't wake Juhani in the midst of coming down here to write this entry and compose my thoughts. I believe that this was a vision from my past as Darth Malak was with me as we looked up towards a being that made my former apprentice look like the brightest being in the universe.

In the dream I was in a very dark room with a dark figure before me. I was wearing my traditional body armour and mask. Malak and I bowed down before a figure who was sitting on what appeared to be a throne. Finally this being spoke, "I can sense that my favourite Republicans have arrived."

I turned to my right to see Malak, before I sliced his lower jaw off, nod at me as way of signalling that I address. I turned and lowered my eyes and said, "You summoned us, your highness?"

The ruler replied, "Revan and Malak, you have been with us for almost a year and have been reasonably assimilated into our society. Now, I ask who is your master?"

Malak and I replied, "The Emperor."

"What is your relationship with the Force?"

"The force has and will serve us well."

"What code do you follow?"

"Peace is a lie, there is only passion. Through passion I gain strength; through strength I gain power; through power I gain victory; through victory my chains are broken; and the force shall free me."

"What do you think of the Jedi and the Republic?"

"They are the weak and unfit to rule the galaxy. They either bow down to the Sith, the true rulers of the galaxy, or face their own destruction."

The being smiled, "At last, you see. Revan and Malak are finally worthy to become members of the Dark Council as Dark Lords of the Sith. Do you dare try to prove yourselves worthy?"

After the Emperor said this, I wanted to say "no," and run from the room as quickly as possible. However, something almost seemed to push my conscience aside so that I was no longer a participant but an observer in the conversation. My old self replied to the Dark Emperor sitting on the throne, "We dare, master. What must we do to prove ourselves worthy of the Dark Lord?"

After I heard this, I awoke. Who is or was that person, whom I bowed down to and called master? I'd like to think that this dream was but a combination of recent visions and the dark taint within me. However, I know that this is not true. There is someone out there, perhaps an entire army, hell bent on the destruction of the Republic. Malak and I found them and they could be coming back at any moment… No, I must not panic or do something stupid. Instead I will meet Sera on a regular basis and we can talk about our past in depth, beginning with Malachor V.

In truth, I don't want to do this. Why should I investigate an old ghost and jeopardize the life that I am starting to live just as it's settling down and at peace? If I encountered this Emperor before, he is probably still alive and wondering what has became of Malak and I. Furthermore, he could still be planning an invasion… No, I cannot ignore this but I will not be hasty and jump to irrational conclusions and decisions. Unfortunately, only Sera has the answers I seek because she told me that she and all of the Revanchist and the ships under our command followed us into deep space and she knows what we encountered there…

Forgive me for bringing up painful memories, Sera, but only you have the answers to what the Emperor has planned for the Republic and how that included me.


	2. Chapter 2

Author: me, vadess40  
Game: Knights of the Old Republic  
Characters: Female Darth Revan  
Disclaimer: Female Darth Revan and KOTOR belong to Bioware and LucasArts

**Entry 2, 2 weeks ABSF**  
It has been a week since I last wrote in this journal. I cannot say much has happened, except for the truth. Although, I am no longer Revan, I find myself confronted with so much that I did. People who recognize me have mixed responses- some respond with respect, admiration, and adoration for the hero who saved the Republic while others look at me with so much hate and anger that I feared they would discover their force sensitivity by force crushing me on the spot.

I met Carth at Telos' Citadel Station today. As I descended to the restoration zones, I was shocked at how much the planet was reduced to a waste land. I was angry at the Sith and at myself for this deed. I researched Sith records recovered from the Republic over the past 2 weeks- I gave the order to merely attack Telos, not utterly and completely destroy it... A part of me wants to blame Malak for Telos' destruction while on the surface. I did not want this when I was the Dark Lord and I certainly don't want it now. I am no longer Revan; I am Serea Starz... or am I?

When I returned to the station, I was immediately approached by someone "I know you- Revan, right?"

I replied, "I was Revan, but I go by Serea now."

The person replied, "Can I ask you a question?"

I smiled and answered, "Of course."

The person replied, "Does the name _Serea_allow you to sleep at night or was the name Revan becoming an inconvenience?"

I replied, "Oh, I..."

"Does it help you forget what you did? Does it help you forget all the lives you destroyed, and all the blood of innocent people on your hands?"

I responded, "No, but..."

"_Shut up, just shut up!_You don't have the right to speak and you shouldn't have the right to roam freely. I am disgusted to call myself a member of the Republic, a Republic who just let you go because you happened to defeat Darth Malak and destroyed the Star Forge. I am appalled that the Jedi Order could simply look at you and simply dismiss your actions as the redemption of Revan, the prodigal knight. Can that bring back my daughter, who was all I had, when Telos was bombed and attacked? Well, can it bring her back? Can you bring her back?"

I said nothing, nothing. All I did was look down.

The person shook their head and said, "Exactly, you can't. So call yourself whatever you want, because you'll still be Darth fucking Revan to me."

What if this person is right? What if Serea Starz is just a facade...

_What if I cannot deny who I once was?  
What If I can't atone for the deaths I've caused  
What if they accept nothing less,  
Than the satisfaction of their cries of vengeance?_

**Entry 2, 3 weeks ABSF**

Just got back from a mission to take down an apparently last minute attempt by the remnants of the Sith to regain what they lost after the Star Forge was destroyed.

Thankfully, they were stopped. Bastila, Juhani, and I boarded the ship in order to capture the ship's commander. Naturally, most of the personnel were shocked to find out that Revan is alive. Can't say I blame them, as I was shocked when I found out she was alive! Thankfully, this realization caused many of them to step aside and allow the three of us to pass without much of a fuss.

On the upper decks we met quite a bit of opposition until we got to the bridge. On the bridge was an old woman surrounded by personnel. When she saw me she shouted, "Don't harm her! Don't harm her!"

I turned to look at her and she said, "You are Darth Revan, are you not?"

As soon as she asked that, I received a vision. This forgotten memory was of a woman who was in the library of the old Dantooine enclave and it looked like she was about to teach me about the force. I think I was a young girl at the time for I was standing and looking up at her.

When I came back I hesitantly replied, "I no longer go by that name. I am the Jedi Knight Serea Starz."

The old woman replied, "I am Traya. Why do you no longer go by your true name or your true identity?"

I answered her, "Revan was a monster forged during the Mandalorian Wars who died after Malak betrayed her. Serea Starz is my true identity now."

The woman replied, "Are you trying to tell me that after everything you have _learned nothing?_You were made stronger..."

I replied, "Enough! I place you and your the crew of your ship under arrest by the Jedi Order. You will all be escorted to the Harbinger and taken to Coruscant."

I'd like to think seeing her in and having a vision immediately after was just a coincidence but it wouldn't surprise me if the two are linked. After all, I received a similar vision almost immediately after I rescued Bastila on Taris. Oh well, I don't have time to dig up old ghosts now. I have to move forward.

**Entry 4, 4 Weeks ABSF**  
I got a message from Sera Degana today. It appears that she is doing well on the Orion with Mec Han'ic and Kobayashi. It is amazing to see how much she has changed since our encounter with her former Jedi Master, Solomon, in the Temple of Shadow on Korriban. It makes me happy to know that not all the Jedi who followed me to war became servants of the dark side forever. I only wish more could've been redeemed… I know that I'm the one who led them to darkness, but they had a part to play in their fall. After all, I never forced them to keep following me!

Sigh… That still doesn't change the fact that I was the one who started them on the path to darkness. From what I've read, my fall to the dark side started long before my first quest to find the Star Forge. I changed a lot during the Mandalorian Wars, and was no longer the Jedi Knight on a noble crusade.

I formed the Revanchist as a faction within the Jedi Order who chose to disobey the council because we all felt that going to war and aiding the Republic was the right thing to do. Recently, I've had dreams of travelling to the places ravaged by the Mandalorians. I discussed the dream of my visit to Cathar with Juhani. During the discussion she seemed proud that I chose to go to war in order to avenge her people and protect the innocents. I did rescue her from slavery on Taris and encouraged her to join the Jedi, after all. Then she shook her head and expressed her disbelief at the fact that while I rescued her, I was also beginning my fall.

I have to admit that I can't believe it anymore than she can. When she asked what I thought about the Mandalorian Wars, I told her that I didn't know. Before encountering Malak on the Leviathan, I thought Revan's decision to go to war was the biggest mistake she ever made. However, there I can't point the finger at her anymore. Not after all the encounters from people whose lives I've destroyed, not after visiting Telos, and certainly not after some of the dreams and visions I've had. Revan's past is my past and her bad choices were my bad choices. I cannot run or hide from, or explain away the truth any longer.

I have to face it, Serea Starz does not exist. At the end of the day, I am Revan. I think I need to reconcile who I was with who I am now, if I am going to move on.

_Revan, you and I are one  
I cannot hide nor run  
These words being written at this time  
Are yours, they are mine  
Revan is the prodigal knight  
Revan has returned to the light  
She will correct the horrors of war  
Because she is no longer the Dark Lord_

Huh, Sera just messaged me. She wants to meet up with me in some time and catch up. Perhaps I should make up with her Perhaps she can help me through this reconciliation process by telling me about the Mandalorian Wars and helping me through my memories. If I could only ask her one thing, it would be _What happened at the Battle of Malachor V that rendered you unable to speak on the Ebon Hawk?_This meeting will be interesting, indeed.

**Entry 5, 5 Weeks ABSF **  
Dantooine... A planet that was once my home now lies in ruin. I went to see what Malak and the Sith did to her today, and I barely had the strength to completely tour the planet. As much as I would like to believe that Malak and the Sith are the only reason why Dantooine is a place of desolation, I cannot deny my hand in this. I was the one who declared myself Dark Lord of the Sith and lead my old friend down the path of the dark side. These acts ultimately lead to the destruction of Telos, Taris, and Dantooine...

_A place of peace and healing  
Is now a place of destruction and death  
My once place of refuge is now the place of despair  
How could such a terrible thing happen here?_

It is because I fell to the darkness  
I embraced the countless droplets of power  
I lead my friends and comrades into war after war  
All because my poisoned soul craved for more

History will tell of Malak's attack  
They'll blame him and the Sith for the Jedi Temple's fall  
But soon the veil over their eyes will be gone  
Everyone will that it was Revan, it was me

Revan's fall marked Carth to lose his family and everything he knew  
Revan's fall lead to Bastila Shan's descent into darkness  
Revan's betrayal completed Malak's fall  
And now Revan's fall has resulted in the end of Taris and Dantooine

Sigh, clearly I am still blind  
This was not Revan's fall but mine  
The Jediwouldn't have created Serea Starz  
If I had of resisted darkness' call

No, I cannot blame the Jedi  
They were not the ones who caused the light in me to die  
No, it is only I who has caused this destruction and pain  
No words can justify my once mad quest for gain

I cannot deny who I was  
I cannot deny the destruction I've caused  
This burden of loss and sorrow  
Is a result of my descent into war and horror

This is the third entry where I have used poetry. Prose simply cannot communicate the sorrow within any more than it can communicate the burden I have to bear. I was a fool to think that this facade, dubbed Serea Starz, was going to last forever. That's it; I'm done writing in this for tonight. It's time for me to turn in and be with Juhani. She might not understand everything, but she knows what it means to fall to the darkness and somehow return to the light.

**Entry 6, same night as entry 5 **  
Never have I had such a vision haunt my dreams before. I hope I didn't wake Juhani in the midst of coming down here to write this entry and compose my thoughts. I believe that this was a vision from my past as Darth Malak was with me as we looked up towards a being that made my former apprentice look like he had achieved mastery of the light side during his reign as the Dark Lord.

The vision... I was in a very dark room with a dark figure before me. I was wearing my traditional body armour and mask. Malak and I bowed down before a figure who was sitting on what appeared to be a throne. Finally this being spoke, "I can sense that my favourite Republicans have arrived."

I turned to my right to see Malak... Huh, no jaw piece? I guess this was before he received the injury that sliced his lower jaw off. Anyway, Malak nodded at me as a way of signalling me to address the figure. I turned to this being and said, "You summoned us, your highness?"

The ruler replied, "Revan and Malak, you have been with us for almost a year and have been reasonably assimilated into our society. Now, who is your master?"

Malak and I replied, "The Emperor."

"How are you and the force?"

"The force has served us well."

"What code do you follow?"

"_Peace is a lie, there is only passion  
Through passion I gain strength  
Through strength I gain power  
Through power I gain victory  
Through victory my chains are broken  
And the force shall free me._"

"What do you think of the Jedi and the Republic?"

"They either bow down to the Sith, the true rulers of the galaxy, or face their own destruction."

The being smiled, "At last, you see. Revan and Malak are finally worthy to become members of the Dark Council as Dark Lords of the Sith. Do you dare try to prove yourselves worthy?"

After the Emperor said this, I wanted to say "no," and run from the room as quickly as possible. However, something almost seemed to push my conscience aside so that I was no longer a participant in the conversation, but an observer. My old self replied to this Emperor sitting on the throne, "We dare, master. What must we do to prove ourselves worthy of the title Dark Lord?"

At that moment I awoke. Who is or was that person I bowed down to and called master? Perhaps this dream was nothing but a combination of my thoughts from Dantooine? Perhaps this is just the darkness calling me back? No, wait, if that were the case then I wouldn't have been pushed aside near the end of the dream... No, this Emperor was going to make me a Dark Lord of the Sith on the Dark Council. This Emperor is out there, perhaps with an entire army, waiting for Malak and I to return from whatever we had to do to prove ourselves worthy... What if the Emperor does not wait any longer for Malak and me to come back?

This Emperor probably knows that Malak and I aren't coming back... and I've returned to the Jedi! This twofold betrayal could be a convenient excuse to invade the Republic, a Republic that would be doomed without the Emperor's armies firing a single laser. However, these are only mere speculations. I need more before I can act on what I have learned. The only person who can help me is Sera Degana, because she remembers what happened to the Revanchist and she's the only one that I can trust with in revealing the contents of my dream. As I recall, she told me that all of the Revanchist and Republic personnel under my command followed us into deep space where we completed our fall to the dark side.

Forgive me, Sera, for I have to bring up painful memories. I doubt that what we found in deep space was pleasant. Unfortunately, you are the only one that I can trust and only you have the answers to what I seek.


	3. Chapter 3

Revan Journals 2- An Old FriendEntry 5- Meeting with Sera Degana

Sera Degana used to be my handpicked, highly trained, personal assassin. When she was travelling with us on the Ebon Hawk she told me about how she became a part of the Revanchist after a rally Malak and I did to recruit Jedi on Dantooine. Now, she is a member of the Orion crew and travelling with her soon-to-be husband Kobayashi and Mec Han'ic. When I met her for lunch on Coruscant, I could not help but admire her and how much she had changed in the past months since her Jedi master's death.

Sera's Jedi Master, Solomon, blamed me for his pupil's fall to the dark side and loss of the identity she had while under his tutelage. He accused me of turning her into a shell and wanted to avenge the person she once was by killing me. What he failed to understand was that Sera, and so many of the other Jedi who followed me, had a choice to make and that they were just as equally to blame for their fall as I was. His reasoning saw himself change from a Jedi Master to a shell whose sole purpose was seeking revenge. It is ironic how fear, misdirected anger, and self righteousness can shape us into what we fear or hate the most without us even realizing what we have become.

When I met with Shadow, she gave me a booklet of some of the things I wrote down during the Mandalorian Wars. One of them was a poem I wrote after the first battle I fought in. When I got home I read it and I was shocked about how quickly I cast aside the Jedi code like that. This proves how inexperienced I was at warfare and guarding myself against the lure of the dark side. The further I dived into those documents, the more I realized what a monster I had become. No wonder I so willingly knelt at the figure in my dream, as in many ways I was already one of them.

Anyway, at the luncheon I was amazed at how much she had changed. "When did you learn how to speak basic, Sera?"

Sera replied, "Oh, I've always known how to speak it, but I just chose not to. Unfortunately so many people I've met while travelling on the Orion doesn't know Ryl, so I just started to speak basic. By the way, here is your invitation to my wedding."

I answered her, "Thank you. I will do my best to be there."

Sera asked, "Revan, you seem a bit preoccupied. Is something wrong?"

I replied, "I won't lie to you, something is wrong and only you hold the answers and the possible solution."

Sera looked confused, "What do you mean?"

I cautiously asked, "Sera, what happened at the end of the Mandalorian Wars? Where did I lead us to that completed our fall to the dark side?"

Sera replied, "We went to a place of terrible darkness that the Republic and Jedi had thought long dead."

I replied, "Sera, I need more information than that. You see, I received a vision last night that I think was both an event from my past and a prophecy of what is to come."

Sera shook her head, "Revan, I cannot be specific about what we found in deep space here, as it is too dangerous. What I can say is that you discovered a star map on Kashyyyk that talked about the Star Forge. For the most part, you ignored it until the war was over. When we left deep space you explained that in order to be fully indoctrinated into that society, we had to go to Korriban, Dantooine, and Manaan in order to discover what the Star Map on Kashyyyk tried to point us to."

I replied, "This society I wanted to be assimilated to- What was it like?"

Sera replied, "In many ways, it was like the Sith Empire you wanted to build. It was a society of darkness that believed in the survival of the fittest. However, it had a focus as the people there worked together in building and working in order to achieve a certain goal in the distant future. I'm not sure what the goal was and I don't know their leader."

I continued with my questions, "How long were we there?"

"6 months," she answered, "Your original intentions were to destroy whatever we found but when we got to that location in deep space and landed on the planet, you changed your mind."

I looked up from my lunch and asked, "I did? Why?"

Sera looked down and then replied in a whispered voice, "You embraced their teachings long before we got there. Your fall started at the end of our first battle but you introduced us to their teachings at the Trayus Academy on Malachor V."

I thought to myself and asked, "Could the academy still be there? I know we destroyed that planet with the Mass Shadow Generator..."

Sera continued, "I believe that academy is still there as when you were the Dark Lord you took it over with the help of your old Jedi Master and her two apprentices. If Jedi were not sent to the Korriban Academy or the Star Forge's world to be turned, they were sent there. Once they fell to the dark side, they were trained. "

I sighed and spoke quietly, "Don't tell me I caused my Jedi Master to fall to the dark side along with the other members of the Revanchist..."

Sera shook her head, "I don't believe you did. In fact, I'd say she fell long before you did."

I asked, "Sera, do you have an image of my old Jedi Master."

She nodded and flipped the documents she gave me to security footage of the Trayus Academy. What I saw almost caused my jaw to hit the floor... That was the same old woman we found on the Sith ship 1.5 weeks ago! No wonder I received a vision as soon as she finished speaking to me. I have to find out where they are keeping her and meet with her immediately!

I looked up and said, "Sera thank you for meeting with me, I appreciate it. Would it be possible for us to meet again on the Orion sometime? Please? I need more answers. Whatever I dreamed about last night could make everything we have fought for over the past 5 to 6 years be in vain. "

Sera agreed to meet with me and we finished our lunch discussing other subjects. Oh, and guess what? Bastila and her mother were there too! Her mom looks a lot better than when we saw her on Tatooine. When I asked Bastila about it over the comlink she explained that her mother found an excellent doctor and she would fully recover from her illness! I'm so glad that things are turning out well for some of my friends, and that I get to share in some of their happiness.

Hopefully this happiness will last. I must begin the search for my fallen Jedi Master tomorrow. According to the research I did when I went to the Jedi Temple on Coruscant later that day was that my first Master was Kreia, one of the many historians and chroniclers of the Jedi. It seems that the council exiled her after the Revanchist and I left to fight the Mandalorians because her teachings are what ultimately caused us to fall. Hmmm... I wonder if she was no more than a convenient scapegoat that the Jedi used, so that they would not have to examine why the Revanchist left and whether their decision to stay out of the Mandalorian Wars was a mistake...


	4. Chapter 4

Revan Journals 4

Author: me, vadess40  
Game: Knights of the Old Republic with hints of Knights Of The Old Republic II  
Characters: Female Darth Revan  
Disclaimer: Female Darth Revan and KOTOR belong to Bioware and LucasArts; Darth Traya and KOTOR II belongs to Obsidian and LucasArts

Coruscant News at 6

News Announcer: Good evening and welcome to Coruscant News at 6! Today's biggest story is a prison break from the Spice Mines of Kessel that happened earlier today.

Crew members from a Sith ship that were captured by the Jedi Knights Serea Starz, Bastila Shan, and Juhani were being held there for crimes against the Republic during the Jedi Civil War. We can only assume that these crew members were responsible because everyone else on the prison colony is dead. We now turn to one of our reporters on the street, Nova Ecosse.

Nova Ecosse: Hello everyone. On this tragic day at the prison colony on Kessel, hundreds of fine Republic officers and correctional officers were killed today by an unknown source. According to the Jedi sent to investigate, which included the Jedi formally known as Revan, found that there were no blaster fire or lightsaber injuries. Instead the personnel simply had their life force removed from them. Ah, there is Serea Starz... Serea, a word please? i_Serea runs up to the reporter/i_. So, Serea what can you tell me about this unfortunate incident? Have you been able to determine the motive behind these attacks?

Serea: Simple, the culprit behind this only wanted the old woman who was taken away a long with her crew, as the entire crew is here, dead, except her...

Nova Ecosse: How could someone do something to this scale?

Serea: I honestly do not know... No one with the Sith who were under my command, including Malak, would be able to do something like this...

Nova Ecosse: What's your plan of action?

Serea: I'm sorry but we cannot elaborate on this right now.

Nova Ecosse: Well, that's all we can learn about this incident at this point. This Coruscant News, Kessel.

Jedi Temple Camera Recording

Juhani: Revan, love, what is wrong?

Revan: That old woman was my old Jedi Master, and she controlling whoever or whatever destroyed the prisons at Kessel.

Juhani: Love, how do you know this?

Revan: Sera Degana, the woman who was once my assassin, told me. She could have been part of the reason why I fell to the dark side!

Juhani: Can we not put your fall behind us, love? You are redeemed and you are no longer Darth Revan...

Revan (whispering): Don't you remember the vision I told you about? What if my old master works for this Emperor? What if Kessel was just a warning about what is to come?

Juhani (whispering): Then we must investigate what Sera told you and find your old master.

Revan (whispering): Juhani, I cannot take you along...

Jedi Council Chambers, Session in Recording:

Bastila: that's when the camera gets cut off

Vrook: Who were their attackers?

Bastila Shan: I don't know, Master Vrook. However, other cameras show an old woman leading a bunch of men with cloaking devices into the Jedi Temple prior to this conversation... How is Juhani?

Vandar: She is in critical condition, but we believe she will recover. In the meantime, we must begin our search in order to find Revan at once.

iSuddenly e_veryone seems to faint or fall over after feeling a terrible disturbance in the force._/i

Bastila: What... What was that?

Republic Soldier via Comlink: Jedi Masters, something has happened on the planet Kataar, the place where a secret Jedi Conclave was happening. There is no transmissions, no nothing... Everyone just died. Initial scans from droid intelligence shows that the planet is just dead...

Vandar: How did you know about our secret conclave...

Vrook: Huh! There is a traitor in our midst! Bastila, this is something that the Jedi Council must deal with alone.

Bastila: As you wish, masters.

Interrogation Chamber, Trayus Academy, Malachor V

Revan, tied to a gunrey : Who? What?

Traya : Well, my apprentice, we meet again.

Revan: Where am I? Where is Juhani?

Traya: calm down. You haven't been harmed...

Revan: I will not calm down until you answer my questions, _Master_.

Traya: Juhani is being held here by us. Don't worry, you will be joining her soon enough. Tell me, what do you remember about me?

Revan: Only a small vision. The rest I've learned from one of the Jedi under me and from information in the Jedi archives.

Traya: Good, good; they haven't completely corrupted you.

Revan: No, they redeemed me and rebuilt me. For that I am grateful. It was you corrupted me, Malak, and the Revanchist by introducing us to Sith teachings...

Traya: From a certain point of view. The truth is that the Jedi are the ones to blame for your fall, not me. After all, you would not have gone to fight the Mandalore if they had listened to the Republic's call.

Revan: That wasn't their fault. They didn't force me to go to war. I went there of my own free will.

Traya: And yet you blame me for your embrace of the Sith teachings? You are blind but I can and will break you.

Revan: No, I will not serve the dark side again...

Traya: Guards, take her to the chambers I prepared for her!

Entry 6, 1 week After Being on Malachor V (ABMV)

It's been a week since I've been here and the threat of torture until I break has yet to occur. I have been treated well by the guards, fed excellent meals, and so far I have not been harmed. I'd like to believe that this is because my former master wants to give me the highest of comforts, but I know that this cannot true. Kreia has been corrupted by the dark side. I could feel it in that torture chamber and I can feel it every time she comes to talk to me. None of those talks have been interrogations but simple questions about what I remembered about the Mandalorian Wars and prior to Malak's betrayal during the Jedi Civil War. Unfortunately I cannot give her much as only a few of my memories had returned up until this point. A part of me wants to trust her as she has clearly tried to make my stay as comfortable as possible but I know her "good deeds" just cover an ulterior agenda.

Perhaps she is not harming me because she knows that simply being on Malachor is enough to break me. Recently I've been receiving several more visions of the Mandalorian Wars. I can see myself slowly but surely falling to the dark side one battle at a time.

I'm so overwhelmed by them... I'm not sleeping as well as I should and I barely eat what's placed in front of me. It's almost as if this planet wants vengeance for my ordering its death via the Mass Shadow Generator. Did I order a planet's death or was it one of my generals? I don't know... I remember the _Mass Shadow Generator_ but it was created by some mechanic named Bao Dur. I know that I wanted it in case we needed to take drastic action, but I can't recall giving the order... In fact researching the logs no one verbally gave the order! If no one gave the order, why was it used?

When I ask Kreia anything, I almost never receive a straight answer. All she responds in is odd riddles and poetic words that say nothing. Furthermore, I have yet to find Juhani! Kreia said that Juhani was here and that she had not been harmed. Then why can't I sense her presence? Has Kreia hidden her? Did Kreia torture her into falling to the dark side again? What if Kreia killed her? What if my old Master's plan is to break my through murdering my beloved? Where are you my love?

I... I feel so lost...


	5. Chapter 5

Jedi Exile Log 1

These are the records of Mian Ariel, Jedi Weapons Master and founder of the resurrected Jedi order. Now that a new council has been formed I feel I must ensure that the order's history is preserved. In this log entry I will record what has transpired in recent history and what the plan is for moving forward.

The last remnants of the Sith Triumvirate have been defeated, as well as the last pockets of Revan's Sith Empire. Those who have been captured, including former Jedi Master Atris, are now facing trial for treason and will be processed quickly through the courts. However, the Empress that started this whole mess has yet to show herself. From what I understand, Revan has been missing for 3 years and shows no signs of returning.

As one of her former generals, I understand much about her; however, I don't understand this. I cannot understand why she would simply disappear without a trace. Was this disappearance on purpose? Revan always did cover her tracks... But running away simply isn't her. Hmmm... I must investigate this further. The Jedi Order needs to be rebuilt and I could use all the help I can get. If Revan's location can be determined and she can be brought back, then the Jedi will have one more mentor to train new recruits. Perhaps there are clues in the Jedi Temple's archives or security camera's regarding what happened to her? Tomorrow I will investigate there.

Jedi Exile Log 2

Today was a fruitful day. Upon investigating the Jedi Temple logs and cameras, I discovered that Revan was captured and taken to Malachor V. She was there for a year and then resigned from the Jedi Order. After this, there are no further signs of her attempting to contact the Republic nor does she ever land on any Republic worlds.

From my investigation, it would seem that she hasn't changed since the war. From reading her report, I think she resigned because she blamed the Jedi on what happened to Juhani, a companion of hers. She constantly did this during the Mandalorian Wars, _The Jedi did this... the Jedi did that..._ to the Jedi Council, not the Jedi would joined her, being the one's responsible for the battle being a failure. However, I mustn't be too hard on her. It's not easy witnessing the death of a friend, but it is easy to cast the blame of that friend's death to anyone and everyone in the galaxy.

Tomorrow I'll meet with Matilda, one of my closest friends in the Revanchist. She said she could expand on the information I've gathered and perhaps give a clue as to Revan's whereabouts. Let's hope she's not here to play games. She was, after all, one of my first friends to follow Revan all the way into the distant sunset and re-emerge as a Sith.

Jedi Exile Log 3

So, it turns out Kreia wasn't lying about something: Revan did venture into the Unknown Regions. What is it with her and travelling there? Let's hope a mass fleet doesn't join her for the return trip this time. Carth and Matilda, now Sera Degana, have told me that she has changed now and isn't the cold, hardened war monger that I once knew. Well, I'll believe their words when and/or if I see Revan again.

However, I will give Rev the benefit of the doubt. This benefit is not given blindly. Did you know Revan had a lover? She and Juhani got romantically involved quickly after the Jedi Civil War ended. I remember a time when she wanted nothing to do with romantic attachments and believed those who did were weak fools. In fact, she didn't like personal attachments at all. If you weren't Malak, Sera, or myself you were just another grunt at best or an expendable one at worst. If Revan truly has changed, then perhaps I should go after her?

This is something I've thought about quite a bit. Should I venture from known space in search of the famous prodigal knight, Revan? A part of me wants to see this "new Revan" first hand, but if I were to chase after her, I would fulfill my traitorous master's dying wish... No, I will not give Kreia that satisfaction. Furthermore, I'm my own person and I refuse to keep chasing after Revan. Anyway, my investigation was more for settling curiosity, not preparation for a woman hunt. Now that I have a better hint of Revan's whereabouts, I can present it to the Jedi Council, and that should be the end of the issue.

Jedi Exile Log 4

Today the Jedi Council met. We discussed the people who were captured and my investigation into Revan's whereabouts. The few people that were captured were remnants of Revan's Empire. For the most part, we've decided to put them in the best maximum security prisons the Republic has to offer. We also decided that Master Atris will share their fate. We reasoned to treat her otherwise could risk giving the impression that a redeemed fallen Jedi was above the law and gets special treatment.

In regards to my investigation, nobody really knows what should be done. Some believe Revan should be found. She has too many secrets that need to remain secret. She betrayed us once, what makes us think she won't do so again? Other people said we should leave her alone. If she wants to be up and gone without a trace, then who are we to stop her? After all, we must use our resources to rebuild the Jedi Order and the Republic, not some lost gal.

A few Jedi thought I should go after her. Brianna's logic was that I know Revan the most, have explored more of the outer rim and beyond, and I was the most experienced. Other Jedi, like Mical and Visa, voiced against me departing. I'm needed here and to leave at such a critical hour could open up the possibility for the new Jedi Order to collapse. This part of the discussion caused conflicting emotions and thoughts to develop within me. A part of me wants to go after her but the Jedi Order needs me. Should I really leave now, at such a critical hour? Is there even a Revan worth finding in deep space?

I have no idea. I should sleep and this and decide tomorrow morning. After all, this decision shouldn't be made lightly. I have feeling either option will have consequences for my life and potentially the galaxy's.

Jedi Exile Log 5

I've been a bit busy to write in here lately. Why? I'm on the Orion heading towards Deep Space with Sera Degana. That's right, I'm off to find Revan and try to bring her back to the Republic. I'm fulfilling Kreia's dying wish, as well as the will of the council, and satisfying my own curiosity. Nothing like another adventure... Am I thrilled about it? Not in a million years.

I can't believe I'm running after Revan again! It's like the force has doomed me to forever follow after Revan, regardless of whether it's a voluntary move on my part. I went to fight in the Mandalorian Wars because I wanted to defend the innocent and protect the helpless from an occupying force. Now, I'm sent out by a new Jedi Council that I firmly believe needs my help more than Revan does.

Sigh... I shouldn't be thinking like this. Revan is my friend, after all- or rather, she was my friend. I haven't spoken to her in 10 years. 10 years ago the Mandalorian Wars ended and I remember what happened after Malachor V. Revan came to me all full of pride: The Mass Shadow Generator was a huge success and now it was time to chase the enemy further into deep space.

_She said to me, "Mian, smile won't you? We did it! The enemy has been defeated completely and utterly. Come celebrate with me."_

_I didn't answer right away, for I didn't know what to say. A part of me wanted to smile back and go join the parties. However, another part of me knew that something wasn't right about my senses... It was almost as if they had been warped. There was also another part that was disgusted at what I had done. Finally I replied, "Revan... I'm not sure I want to go celebrate with you. At least not right now..."_

_Revan replied, "Why? Your order solidified our victory! You should be proud. You didn't hold back..."_

_I replied to her, "Yeah, and I laid waste to the Mandalorians, slaughtered practically three-quarters of the Republic fleet, and destroyed a planet..."_

_Revan interrupted me, "Mian, don't talk like that. The Mandalorians did worse on other worlds. It's about time they got a good taste of their own medicine. Vengeance is sweet, isn't it?"_

_I was shocked that she said that but I wasn't surprised. She had done nothing but get worse and worse as the war carried on. I finally asked her, "You're proud of what I did- of what we did? Oh my... You're happy that good and loyal soldiers were destroyed? You're proud that we became the enemy we sought out to defeat?"_

_Revan replied, "I am. Shouldn't you be? Not only did we destroy the enemy, but we also got rid of soldiers that used up their purpose. All in all, a win-win situation..."_

_"Can you not hear yourself? They were our men, living beings! And you just sat back and allowed them to be slaughtered... I cannot believe I saw this through to the end. I can't believe that I actually..."_

_Revan replied, "You're acting like I've become a monster. I am only a general in the Republic military. Personally, I cannot believe that I'm hearing all this from you. Don't forget, if it weren't for us the Mandalorians would've won and we'd be under their rule."_

_I looked her into her masked eyes and said, "I don't know what I'd prefer, Revan: The Mandalorians ruling the Republic or this victory, because either way we've become __**exactly **__what we sought to destroy in the end."_

_Revan removed her infamous mask to look me in the eye and said, "What are you saying Mian? Are you walking away from me?"_

_I replied, "No. I'm walking away from what you've become. I'm leaving the Revanchist, Revan! I refuse to go with you into deep space and I will not try to explain away what we've become. No, I'll go somewhere, anywhere but I won't stay here!"_

With that I turned around and stormed off the bridge. I quickly went to my quarters and gathered anything and I needed and hopped on the fastest ship in the hangar with light speed capabilities and flew away. Revan tried to hail my ship a few of times, but I disregarded any and every transmission she sent. It wasn't until 5 months later that I went back to the Jedi Council to stand trial for my actions. Even to this day, I still cannot understand why I did what I did... I can't even tell people whether or not I even think following Revan to war was a great idea. All I can say is that I will not run away from what became of that decision and the person it built me into today.

Well, Revan, all I can say is that I better not be following the woman I left behind all those years ago. Otherwise, I'll just turn around, and forget your very existence.


End file.
